we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
