I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
