the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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