I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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