Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
