Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize