I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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