Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
