Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
