yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
