Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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