I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
