I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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