Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
