My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
