Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
