Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
