Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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