We won't sleep together?
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
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