I faked an abortion last night.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
