Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
did you just send me my own nude
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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