You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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