Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
