A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
