Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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