i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
