quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize