U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
im six kinds of drunk right now
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
