she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
