I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think my vagina is haunted
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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