god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
