I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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