okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this hospital has no fireball
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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