Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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