she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
