I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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