My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
