I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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