I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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