somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
