I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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