Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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