I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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