this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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