call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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