the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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