I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
