i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
