There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
This house was built for laser tag.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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