just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
