now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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