just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
