I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
