alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize