I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
