I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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