I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
