Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
