In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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