R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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