Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
