I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
