On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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