Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
