Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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