We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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